Mary: So how's it feel to finally give yourself a valid reason for "talking to yourself"?
Me: It's nice. I do/don't hope no one finds this one day.
Mary: Well what is it then? Do or dont?
Me: Well, I say "dont" right now because I'm afraid of the judgement from others. Afraid of what they may think if I'm too real or unsensored. Maybe later when I die or something, then I wont care. My story will make sense then, you know when its over. People will understand me then perhaps and not judge because they'll feel bad because I'm dead, maybe. IDK.
Mary: I see.
Me: Sounds pretty egotistical, really. But I know deep down that each and everyone of us has that urge to want to be real. But its hard. We cant. We look for excuses to censor what it is we're feeling. You see, Mary, we all have a story. An amazing journey full of lessons, truth, and magic.
Mary: What is YOUR way of censoring?
Me: I smoke pot until things slow down and all make sense, make up these rediculous excuses to type a conversation to an "imaginary" friend that goes by the code name Mary--inspired by the very plant I smoked. No secrets here. And other times I deny or doubt my feelings, surpress them because I think its best to avoid me for someone else because I dont want to be rejected. wtf, Mary....I'm not making sense.
Mary: To whom? To you?
Me: No....It makes sense to me now. But it would never ake sense to anyone else. And thats scary.
Mary: Whats scary?
Me: The idea that you can only make sense to yourself and no one else.
Mary: Why should it matter that it may only make sense to you and no one else?
Me: Because I dont want to go at it alone.
Mary: Go at what?
Me: Life.
Mary: What is life? What does it mean?
Me: Lets smoke on that one another day, my good friend. Its been a long day, its 1:04 am and he will be calling any minute. I gotta bring it down a bit more before I talk to him. Cant be talkin all this crazy stuff. I'm glad I've relaxed a bit though. It helped make things less heavy on my mind. Shower! And goodnight.
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